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Attending baby and toddler groups as an Autistic parent
They exude neuronormativity.
As an Autistic person, I face multiple barriers in trying to navigate a world that's not set up for me. The unpredictability of daily life is overwhelming, and wherever I go, I anticipate sensory threats, e.g. noises, lights, smells, temperatures, and crowds. I also experience interpersonal distress because of frequent communication breakdowns with neurotypical people. My communication style can be misunderstood. People may not give me enough processing time when they talk to me, which increases my executive functioning struggles. This Double Empathy Problem often arises when I am out in the community because of the fast-paced nature of interactions.
As an Autistic parent, there are added demands. This can make baby and toddler groups sensory and social nightmares. There are unspoken social expectations and it seems that there is one 'right way' to interact with other parents/caregivers. Even with your child. There are social and parenting expectations, e.g., kids are told to sit down in a circle during story time, and if your child is the only one pacing around the room for regulation, you get judgmental looks from others. If your child doesn't put a book back on the shelf...doesn't want to share a toy... You hear "good sharing", "nice playing", "good listening". If you're the only parent not saying these things to your child, you feel judged for being a 'bad parent' who doesn't discipline. You question your parenting even though you are knowledgeable in neurodivergent-affirming supports, child-led approaches, and trauma-informed care.
Conversation topics can be tedious. Is your baby hitting their ‘expected' milestones? Percentile ranks, sleep, going back to work, dieting, alcohol, holidays. I crave deeper connection and authentic conversation. You modify your communication for the sake of social politeness but this comes at a huge cost to me due to the physical, cognitive, emotional, and sensory labour. Given that masking is a trauma response and a way for the Autistic person to self-protect, social situations such as these result in you acting 'more neurotypical' e.g. forcing contact, suppressing stimming, hiding sensory distress, rehearsing jokes and social scripts, being hyperaware of how your body moves. At baby groups I sometimes wear ear defenders to cope with the overwhelming noise, and as a result, people are hesitant to interact with me. The internalised ableism of “I shouldn’t wear my ear defenders because what will people think” is an ongoing experience.
At groups it provides me with opportunities to have some small periods of respite from being constantly 'on the go' attending to my toddler's needs. They can play whilst I play Tetris and engage in my interests. But when I do this, I sense judgment from others and I worry they think I'm neglecting my child. I leave most groups feeling fatigued, disconnected, and excluded. I sit, smile, nod, and pretend to be interested in conversations. I avoid personal or emotive topics and avoid talking about my sensory overload, anxiety, executive functioning struggles, how the rattles/crinkly blankets/music/crying/talking are awful to my brain and body.
Most Autistic people have accumulated trauma from health, education, and social care services. This iatrogenic harm, in my opinion, needs to be addressed in service development. Overall, services have a poor understanding of autism and are still entrenched in the deficit theories e.g., we lack empathy and social skills. There is little understanding of neurodivergence. Creating neuro-inclusive groups that include neurotypical and Autistic parents is crucial, which can address barriers related to the sensory and communication environment - "baby sensory groups" should not just include overstimulating activities but also low arousal, calming activities. But what we really need is parent groups for Autistic mothers/parents/caregivers. If there were Autistic-led / Autistic-shared spaces, then this would create a sense of social belonging that is so desperately needed.
And lastly, to group facilitators, please don't call me "Mum".